2-
The journey of a thousand miles begins with - - I forget - - but that’s
a long trip and probably not worth it - - - - Stay home where people love
and accept you in spite of your lousy personality.
3-
Don’t be Irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted
- - - - or sneak off for a day of fishing.
4- If you think
nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
5-
Before you criticize somebody, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and You have their shoes
- - - It's safer.
6-
If at first you don’t succeed - - - - better not try skydiving.
7-
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish
- - - - - - - and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
8-
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, you - - - probably got
your money’s worth.
9-
If you always tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything -
- - - unless you are being taped.
10-
Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield - -
- either way life’s messy.
11- Everyone
seems normal - until you get to know them.
12- The quickest
way to double your money - is fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
13- It’s
better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are stupid - -
- - than to open it and remove all doubt.
14-
There are two theories of arguing with a woman - - - neither works.
15-
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Corollary:
Good judgment is what you get from using bad judgment.
16-
When buddies are fishing, the one napping always catches more fish than
the one watching his pole. WHY? Because it's
better
to let nature take it's course - - let the stupid fish get himself thoroughly
hooked.
17-
Cleanliness is next to - - impossible.
18
- When the going get’s tough, the tough get going – - - - -to
somewhere else. - - - It’s the meek and mild
who stay and clean up the mess.
19
- For every action, there is a equal and opposite - - - criticism
20
- Anything is possible so long as you don’t know what you are talking
about - - - - Even Global swarming.
21
- No good deed ever goes unpunished.
22
- Everybody lies - but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens -
- - - until you run for office.
23 - Never do
card tricks for the group you play poker with.
24 - The severity
of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.
25 - To steal
ideas from one person is called plagerism. To steal from a lot of
people is called research.
26 - Beware the
gene pool. It has no lifeguard.
27 - A clear
conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
28 - Change is
inevitable - - - - except from vending machines.
29 - He who hesitates
_ - - - - - - - - probably
understands the situation better than you.
You can tell it's not
going to be a good day, when:
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You turn on the TV and all they are
showing is emergency routes out of the city.
You call suicide prevention and they
put you on hold.
Your Federal income tax refund
check bounces.
Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill"
. . . . and your name is George.
You arrive at your office and there's
a FOX News team waiting for you.
Your blind date turns out to be your
ex-wife.
You pull the rip cord . .
. . . and there isn't any . . .
. It's somebody's back pack ~ ~ ~ ~.
You check your answering machine
- - - - - and it says: "None of your business".
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.